30 Thanks

I’m way too long-winded for the “30 days of thanks” trend on Facebook. If I opened that can of worms I’d be blowing up your newsfeed with novels and you’d all unfriend me. So here’s my alternative – I long-windedly poured my “30 Thanks”, or 30 things I’m beyond thankful for, onto this blog. That way only those who really care about reading it will have to. Even if no one has the time for my ramblings, it was good for my soul to contemplate these.

 1. I’m thankful for a God who pursues my heart when my heart is deceitful and doesn’t pursue back.

2. I’m thankful for having everything we truly need.

3. I’m thankful for NOT having everything we want. If I had every little thing I desired, I might just start believing that the world revolved around me, and that’s a dangerous place to be.

4. I’m thankful for 3+ fantastic years of marriage, and the promise of many, many more (Lord willing)!

5.  I’m thankful for the love and support of a husband who consistently serves and pursues me – even when I’m cranky, when he’s right and I’m wrong, when I’m all out of energy to serve him back, when I (wrongly) put him behind everything else – I am SO blessed by him.

6. I’m thankful for our chubby, cuddly, healthy, beautiful son and a healthy, happy birth.

7.  I’m thankful for the small moments that make me pause my spinning my wheels and stop to cherish motherhood right where it’s at right now:

          ~ A little fuzzy head nestled into my neck at 3 am because he woke in need of   

             cuddling

          ~ The new things he learns daily (right now I particularly love how he crawls 

             around the house exploring while loudly yelling “Blah Blah Blah!”)

          ~ The way he reaches up and pats my face while looking in my eyes as I’m rocking

             him to sleep, just before he sighs, settles down into my arms, and drifts off

          ~ The way he lifted his hands and kicked along with the music in worship at 

             church this morning - it stirs my heart to pray for his

8. I’m thankful for a husband who I catch bent over the baby monitor as we get ready for bed, praying for our son.

9.  I’m thankful for the freedom of knowing that I don’t have the capacity within me to be the perfect mom or a godly wife of my own strength - I need strength and wisdom daily from the Lord to fulfill those roles well.

10. I’m also thankful that as soon as I start to think I’ve got it all together, something breaks down and I’m immediately humbled and reminded of #9.

11. I’m thankful for our families – all 21 of our immediate relatives – and how they love and encourage us constantly. Also thankful that we truly ENJOY our family!

12. I’m thankful for our friends that might as well be family who walk so closely with us and love our son as their own.

13. I'm thankful for our homegroup and the friends within it who encourage us, pray for us, and gently call us out when our priorities get a little out of whack.

14.  I’m thankful for our vibrant, growing church and the sense of home it’s given us for the past 7 years.

15.  I’m thankful for our beautiful little charming home full of love, memories, music, laughter, and things we’ve made with our own hands.

16. I’m thankful for our jobs and all that they entail – income, security, a creative outlet, a place to love on others, and flexibility for our little family.

17. I’m thankful for my friend Denise who selflessly keeps Micah so I can work part-time. I’m also thankful that I know he’s loved on at her house.

18.  I’m thankful for the opportunity to be a (mostly) stay-at-home-mom (and still work a little). While mothering is work, spending the day with my little man is an incredible privilege!

19. I'm thankful for my mom, who has spent lots of time with me the past 7.5 months, teaching me how to be a mom.

20. I’m thankful for the few months this past year that Jeremy’s brother, Joel, lived with us. What a fabulous season of getting to know him better, encouraging him (and in turn, he encouraged us), and being reminded that God has blessed us with our house to be generous with it.

21. Speaking of #20, I'm thankful for the joy Joel has spoken into my life when hard things happened this year. What an incredible bond I've formed with him!

22. Ok, I'm thankful for Joel a lot. I'm thankful for how much he LOVES Micah, goes out of his way to spend time with him, and will be an incredible, godly Uncle Joel for Micah to look up to as he grows. 

23.  I’m thankful for French-press coffee during naptime. It’s a soul-rejuvenator.

24. While I'm on cozy-hands-around-a-warm-mug soul-rejuvenators, I'm also thankful for Earl Grey tea with raw milk, Chai tea lattes, and the occasional Starbucks splurge. 

25.  I’m thankful for a local group of friends who support our pursuit of a healthy lifestyle.

26.  I’m thankful for our overall health, and pray that we don’t take it for granted as something God “owes” us, but as a blessing.

27. I’m thankful that my parents raised me in a way that I want to emulate, not escape, as I raise my own son.

28. I’m thankful for the assurance that God is sovereign and in charge of EVERYTHING, even the administration that governs this nation.

29. I'm thankful for the freedom we enjoy in this nation and those who fight to preserve it.

30. I’m thankful for dark chocolate. Good one, God. That was an inspired creation.

Therefore I Have Hope

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love for us we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him.'

Lamentations 3:21-24

This passage is resonating in my mind this afternoon. The word "portion" used here is the Hebrew word cheleq, which means a reward from God. 

The Lord is my portion. 

The Lord is my reward. 

The Lord is the reward awaiting me as I leave this world in which I am a stranger, an alien,  and an eternal soul cloaked in a mortal body. We should long to see him face to face. We should feel just a bit uncomfortable in this skin of ours because it's not our home...

There is no sorrow in death, but rejoicing in eternal life because of his GREAT love for us.

Pray for my friends who are experiencing earthly sorrow as a loved one goes to meet Jesus. Read about their hope here.

The Lord is my reward, so I will wait for him.

- K

Incapable of "Sabbath-ing"?

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a type A list-maker and I spend my days cramming in as much as possible, flying from task-to-task, until I fall into bed exhausted at the close of every day. Well here's my confession....


I'm starting to wear out.


It seems to be no coincidence that the Lord has been bringing my path upon much literature and teaching about rest lately. I recently read Timothy Keller's "Counterfeit Gods" , through which God revealed my idolatry of productivity. I didn't even know that was an idol. Guess my heart will just take anything good and twist it into wickedness. 


The idea of Sabbath was brought to my mind a lot over the last couple of months, and I'm happy to say that Jeremy and I had a very nice time of rest visiting family for the holidays. I returned to Denton ready to hit the ground running, only to discover that my tiredness quickly returned. Problem is, I'm WAY too busy with WAY too many things on my plate to even take Sunday to rest! I mean, that's laundry/grocery shopping/cleaning day! Right? Wrong. There's that tricky little idol of mine peaking out of my heart again, revealing that this is going to be a tough struggle for me. 


The Bible blatantly COMMANDS us to take a Sabbath EVERY WEEK (not just on holidays, as I try to talk myself into) to rest. I mean, it's right there in the ten commandments - on the stone tablets and everything!

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, 

but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God."

Exodus 20:8-10

Matt spoke about Sabbath as part of his message this week, and to be honest it was both energizing and discouraging. Energizing because the Lord has provided us with a day of rest, recharging and rich time with family and friends. Discouraging because I've never seemed to be able to really rest. My mind makes lists of tasks, my body can't relax if there's laundry or dishes to be done. I haven't realized how much of a SIN this is until now, when the Lord is revealing it to my heart through many channels. This was my mom's latest blog, that I just so happened to read today:

Here’s my most recent Google search: “Can a dog be hyperactive?” (In case you’re interested, the answer is “yes.”) Well, I’m convinced the puppy my son Mark adopted from a local shelter has a serious case.

Remi is an eleven pound, mixed breed blend of constant motion. He never walks anywhere. He reminds me of the little ball in a pinball machine. Ding, he’s off this direction and then ding, like a shot he’s off in a completely different direction. Even during the brief moments he is standing in one spot his little head jumps this way and that determining his next catapult.

Mark has had some success in training Remi. He finally got the potty thing down. Hallelujah! And he can “sit.” Be it ever so briefly. They’re working on “come.” That’s proving to be a challenge. But the one command meeting the most resistance is “stay.”

The other day I lent a hand while Mark attempted to impress Remi with the concept. Mark held the tennis ball and told Remi to “sit,” which he did. Mark told Remi to “stay” and then threw the ball. Ha! My job became holding Remi in the sitting position until Mark said “go.” All I have to say about the experience is it’s a really good thing the dog only weighs eleven pounds.

Hyperactive Remi reminds me a bit of my relationship with God. I find it much easier to go and do tasks God gives me than to sit quietly at His feet. Prolonged periods of listening, praying and simply sitting in His presence are hard-learned disciplines. I know that God not only wants me to be still, I am also missing out on blessings I can’t experience any other way. Last year I stenciled this verse on the wall of my home office:

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

This year I just want to do it. What about you? Do you have trouble sitting still before God?

God went straight for my heart. So I need help resting. Ask me if I'm resting. Tell me that it's OK to rest (and I'm praying now that I'll believe you when you tell me that). I'm a marathoner trying to sprint the whole way, and I want to slow down and finish the race well.

So Long 2009.... Hello 2010!

Another year has come and gone, and this one in particular involved a TON of change for us. Most of this was good change, and I learned a lot through it. I racked my brain for New Years Resolutions on January 1st, but most of the things I came up with were wish-list items - things I had zero control over. Those aren't really resolutions. These were things such as:

• Taking a trip to Canada with Jeremy in August for our anniversary (dependent upon the economy and our tax return)

• Being able to run long distances again SOON without excruciating knee pain (dependent upon how my body handles the new medicine I'm taking for my knees)

• Jeremy landing a great job after he graduates in August (dependent upon the job climate at the time)

• Accompanying Jeremy's family to New York for New Years next year (dependent upon the job...)

I noticed a pattern. I attribute everything on my wish list to being dependent upon this, dependent upon that, when all of those factors are ultimately dependent upon GOD! We worry about the economy, the job climate, and our health care as though men had power over them. But our God has control over all of these things, and the most powerful men in the world are but pawns in His hand.

"The king's heart is  stream of water in the hand of the Lord;

he turns it wherever he will."

Proverbs 21:1

"The heart of man plans his way,

but the Lord established his steps."

Proverbs 16:9

So, the list I ended up making this New Year was not a wish list for 2010, but a wisdom list from 2009.

Here are some important things I learned:

     1. GOD IS SOVEREIGN. All the time. In every situation. Even when I thought I knew best. Scratch that - especially when I thought I knew best. I need not worry nor be anxious, because my plans will ultimately fail and His far better plans will succeed. 

     2. GOD PROVIDES. We spent the first couple of months of our marriage struggling to make ends meet. God took care of us. Money showed up when unexpected bills presented themselves, and we had to learn to accept financial help. God humbled us, as we could not take pride in even monetarily providing for ourselves. By His grace we are starting to get our feet under us, but rejoice that financial stability is a gift from the Lord and that such stability is fleeting. We place our trust in Him, not our savings account. And we are EXTREMELY thankful for an unknown friend(s) that still sends grocery money (see When God send blessings through US Post....). We hope you are reading - we love you and are thankful for your unbelievable generosity.

     3. MARRIAGE IN SANCTIFYING. The Lord has allowed us to have such joy in the first 4 1/2 months of marriage. It is a great blessing to have someone to laugh with, cry with, wake up next to, cook meals with, read to, dream with, pray with, pray for, romance, and love. God designed marriage to be sanctifying, and we already see that spouses are the most equipped to hold up mirrors for one another. Because Jeremy is intimately connected with me, the mirror of my soul he holds up to me shows more junk than I sometimes care to see, but the Lord has used that to lovingly refine us. We have become partners in pursuing holiness.

     4. THE WEDDING IS GREAT, BUT MARRIAGE IS FAR BETTER. My lovely engaged lady-friends - it is SOO easy to get caught up in planning the perfect wedding day, to get stressed out about these plans, and to consume yourself with thoughts of these plans 24-7. Really easy. But it's one day, and the MORE joyous journey begins after the wedding day. 

     5. GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN FINISHED WITH COLLEGE. Alas, I am again in college earning my Masters degree until May 2011. 

     6. GOOD FRIENDS ARE GEMS. The Lord has blessed us with some awesome friends, and we treasure them. 2009 would not have been one-tenth as amazing as it was without our friends.

     7. GARDENING IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS. We yielded some crops last fall, but we will try again this spring with more knowledge and more patience!

     8. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOVE READING WHEN IT'S NOT FOR SCHOOL. I learn this every break and speed-read through a couple of books per week until the beginning of school. Then, by the end of the semester, I'm convinced I hate reading. So I re-learned my love Christmas break 2009.

     9. I HAVE A TRAVEL BUG AND NOT ENOUGH FUNDS TO FEED IT. I re-learn this every year also. Inevitably something will spark this and bring it speeding to the fore-front of my mind. I LOVE traveling and have a mile-long list in my head of places I'd love to visit. But traveling is expensive for the most part. So in 2010 I will pray to be content in my current status of travel (even if that's to Lewisville and back), and pray that one day the Lord will bless us with funds to be able to see the world He's created. 

    10. WE HAVE THE MOST LOVING AND SUPPORTIVE FAMILY EVER. We dearly love all 17 members of our now-exceedingly-large immediate family.

All of this reflecting leads me to one ultimate New Years Resolution, and I have a feeling it will be the same resolution I will have every year for the rest of my life. 


I resolve to know God more in 2010 than I did in 2009.

Happy New Year!

K

Christmas, brain surgery and a love list

This is our first Christmas season as a married couple. During our engagement, we had many many couples tell us that  their love for each other had grown so much through the years, that they couldn't believe they fancied themselves in love on their wedding day. Their perspective on the depth of love had grown. 


We've been married for slightly less than 4 months, and I'm already noticed this happening. Each morning I roll over and see my husband and think, "There's no way I loved him this much yesterday." 


A recent trial in the life of our church has made the life I share with my husband even more precious. Our pastor, Matt Chandler, had brain surgery on Friday to remove a small tumor on his frontal lobe. The mass was discovered on Thanksgiving morning, after Matt suffered a seizure. The response of Matt, his family, and our church has been amazingly encouraging and a strong reminder of God's goodness and sovereignty. 


Here are some things that have impacted my heart lately:


Lauren Chandler's blog


Matt's blog


A video from Matt to the church



I've been reminded of how fleeting and fragile our lives are, how Almighty God is, and how consuming His love is. I am called to love those around me, including and especially my husband, how God loves us. I've been reminded to PRAY - for the Chandlers, for my church, for my heart and for my husband.


We're slowly learning each others' love languages and finding new little ways to serve one another. For example, I did not know there was an upside-down and right-side-up way to load a roll of toilet paper onto the holder. But the upside-down way really bothers Jeremy, so I make it habit to load the toilet paper correctly. Not because I care, but for him.  


Taking any chance available to brag on my wonderful husband, here are some ways Jeremy constantly shows me his love. A love list of sorts:


*** Before we got married, Jeremy rarely drank coffee and never made it for himself. Now, he goes downstairs before I do to start the coffee pot so that I'll have some waiting when I come downstairs.


*** He plugs in the Christmas tree when he comes down before me so the house will be pretty and Christmassy for me.


*** He always pulls the shower button out after his shower, because he knows I hate having cold water land on my head when I turn on the faucet.


*** He makes up silly songs that encompass the words "I love Kelley Rae Irwin because...". It's especially endearing to hear the "Irwin" part, as the songs used to be about Kelley Rae Howard :)


*** He HATES HATES HATES long shopping trips, but last Saturday he came Christmas shopping with me for 7 hours and didn't complain once.


*** I frequently come home to the dishes already clean and put away, laundry already started, or the floors already swept and mopped. Just because he wanted to do it for me.


*** When I decided I wanted to start a vegetable garden, Jeremy went along with spending the money for the soil and making the above-ground bed for me. Then, on the very frequent days when I didn't want to go out and water it because of the heat/mosquitoes/cold/darkness.... He did it for me. 


*** He massages my feet/shoulders/back/neck whenever they need it. Many times he offers without me asking. 


*** Whenever we take long trips, He always drives so I can read/sleep/play on my phone/watch movies on my laptop and he NEVER complains.




I am so blessed to have such a loving man to grow old with. 


Merry first Christmas!

Jeremy assembling our first Christmas tree, given to us by The Wrights. 

Our super-awesome tree is 9 feet tall. Our ceilings are 8 feet 11 inches.

On the square at Denton's annual Wassail Fest

WONDERFUL friends and mentors - John and Ann Wright

First fire in the Irwin home :)

Breakable.

I really need to be grading papers. Like really, really, REALLY (ya, 3 reallys) need to be grading right at this moment. But I've had a thought running through my mind that I feel compelled to share, so I will spare 5 minutes :)

My mind is very musical. This is both a blessing and a curse, because I don't think I'm ever awake without a song in my head. The curse comes in when an absurd song like MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This" rules my brain for DAYS. The blessing is when something like this happens.

My brain has been playing Ingrid Michaelson's "Breakable" on repeat for a while. Excuse the graphic-ness, but these are the lyrics tumbling around in my brain:

"Have you ever thought about

What protects our hearts?

Just a cage of rib bones

And other various parts.

So it's fairly simple

To cut right through the mess,

And to stop the muscle

That makes us confess.

And we are so fragile

And our cracking bones make noise

And we are just

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys..."

This skips my mind to Psalm 103... "As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more."

Funny thing is I think about this more than I think is normal. I can't help it, I study anatomy. It baffles me that anyone can study the intricacies of our bodies and doubt that there is not only a creative designer of it all, but One who actively continues to make us function!

They say you should never buy washing machines with the fancy computerized buttons, because they're so complicated something's bound to go wrong soon, and it'll cost a bundle to fix it. Instead you're better off with grandma's old crank-the-dial washer, because it's simple and solid as a rock. Our bodies are more complex than millions of expensive-computer-washing-machines put together. Why don't things go wrong more? Why don't hearts stop beating more often when there's so little to protect them? What keeps us from just falling apart at the seams?

This has been mulling in my mind.... breakable...breakable...breakable girls and boys....

I woke up this morning genuinely thankful that the Lord allowed me to keep breathing through the night. Today I'm keenly aware that the only reason my lungs still fill is because He continuously wills them too. My heart still beats because he breathes into it. And for a purpose. He breathes into me for Him. How do I miss this so often?

Tonight the house is quiet - Jeremy's working late and the dog is at my sister's - yet I can hear a complex symphony in the silence. My heart beats rhythmically because it's still in my chest. My lungs fill and empty because the air is still allowed in. My soul flutters and dances and sings a beautiful melody for my Creator and King, because I can't leave out the rest of the verse:

"But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children, to those who keep His covenant and remember to do His commandments."

Breakable...breakable...breakable girls and boys.... Saved from perishing for a purpose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgZ_tu8s5Wk

When God sends blessings through US Post -thy mailbox runneth over

We received our fourteenth anonymous letter in the past six weeks today. We don't know who or where they're from. They have our names and address as the return address - everything is computer-printed. We are baffled. Each letter contains a Target gift card. The letters are funny, sweet, cute, quirky - you name it. These people are undoubtedly creative - and incredibly loving.

We intended to hit marriage with our feet on the ground, but as we're quickly learning, life and circumstances sometimes have other plans. Immediately after the honeymoon, we hit one financial roadblock after another and finally realized there was no way we could make ends meet on our own. We have been absolutely blown away by how the Lord has provided for us. When we didn't know how a bill was going to be paid - money showed up. When we weren't sure how we were going to pay for school - we were able to obtain a low-interest loan. When we were positive we'd have to eat ramen noodles for months - Target cards started appearing in our mailbox.

I am thankful for these tight times - the times we have to scrimp. I love that we have to supplement our meals with squash from our surprisingly superfluous squash plant and deer meat from Dad. I love that we can't afford cable, so we talk to fill the silence. I love that we can't eat out, so we cook together. I love that a meager bank balance means we learn to communicate now about our money (i.e. "Honey do we have enough for me to buy a pack of gum today?") We are so very blessed.

It's been humbling to have to admit that we are dependent when we'd planned on being self-sufficient "adults". One day soon we'll have our feet underneath us, and somewhere along the way we may do well financially. If we do, I will think back on the blessings we received in this season and bless others. But I pray that we'll never think we are completely independent - completely self-sufficient. May we always be in need of the Lord who gave us life and who continually blesses us.